Musings on friendship and when it falls apart

Hey loves,

Lately, I’ve had some bitter moments with a friend I trusted. The conflict and betrayal pushed me down a quicksand of dark moods –– until I felt better.

For a while, I thought there was something wrong with me that my kindness gets taken advantage of, especially by people to whom I’ve poured my heart out. Maybe I just shouldn’t be that nice or give 100% of myself every time. This has led me to strongly consider breaking up from commitments and fencing myself from those that I love due to the potential of distrust.

But those who share my truths always showed up. They always do. They make me believe in what I do and that the bad parts of life are just small strays needed for me to wander back on track again. They hug me tightly and tell me I’m loved and I am strong enough and I can’t lose faith in kindness.

Some may argue that we do good things because we want the same in return. Though nothing is wrong with wanting things in return, this is quite a dark statement that makes unconditional love logically impossible. When our generosity to friends doesn’t reciprocate, I believe the disappointment comes less from our expectation of return but more from signs that we are not with people who share similar beliefs. It’s more about our desire to be around those that let us be ourselves, live amongst love, and not have to overspeculate.

We can’t avoid bumping into the wrong people in life just like we can’t avoid encountering the ones worth cherishing. There’s a dichotomy in how we praise fate for meeting our loved ones yet abhor fate when it turns the other direction. We can’t control it either way. We can only embrace.

Humanity is complex, to say it’s either good or bad is naive, and cynicism is an even lazier response. I’m learning to treat every unpleasantness as a lesson. I remind myself to not let a few people startle what I believe about friendship, which is to love and care for my friends for who they are.

Wow. I’m feeling so much joy just from the thought of you guys. :)
Erica

A few recommendations to warm your heart:
- rooibos tea (it’s earthy and caffeine-free!)
- The Afterlife, a poetry collection by Larry Levis (I have a pdf copy if you’d like me to send it to you)
- “always save 10% for yourself” –– from Crying in H Mart by Michelle Zauner (the best autobiography I’ve read so far this year!!)