On the Stagnancy of Growth

"In order to be brave, you have to be lost, I think. "

Hey friends,

Greetings from Venice. Since graduation, I’ve been in what feels like a perpetual state of confusion and limbo, which made me put off writing for a long time. This has been the most fulfilling summer I’ve had in my life –– the most stressful and testing one, too. People and events have pushed me to challenge so many of my core beliefs, and I am still racking my brain to understand how I can reconstruct them.

It’s ironic how reflections of stagnancy can sprout from a constant state of movement, that is, solo-traveling in Europe. All summer, I’ve thought of my transitional phase as useless and that I can’t wait to enter the next productive stage of life. I became more tired than ever after finishing my last day of job on June 1st. As I prepared for my move across the pond, I felt drearier than ever when my “unemployment” was juxtaposed with the amazing time I was having with friends. (In many ways, I felt bad for enjoying life. Or should I say, I didn’t know how to enjoy life?)

The hardest thing I had to overcome was how much growth can feel like stagnancy –– I stand still in waist-deep water, where currents try to usher me in every possible direction. But isn’t it wonderfully brave to stand still amidst opposing views that don’t seem like my own? I find it healthy to unlearn the standards imposed by schools: assignments, percentages, charts, numbers… Maybe deep, hard learning takes place not by how much I output, but by being in tranquility with my fears, untangling my losses, accepting that I do not have a satisfactory answer but I will work towards it, and not rushing into conclusions about good and bad judgments.

I questioned my decision to attend grad school. Was it even worth it? Was it really the next step for me? Before graduation, the idea of going to grad school had not once wavered. I knew that was what I wanted. I had too many questions about this world that I needed more insights into (not answers, I’m afraid there would never be answers for most things). Yet this summer, I saw how much I had been sheltered from all my life and how close-minded I can be. I was able to learn so much outside of the formal school system that I began to suspect that all the learning and self-growth in the four years of college I’ve taken so much pride in were actually a fruit of something else –– resistance against the university system, maybe. After all, universities could just happen to be the engine best at capitalizing on the kind of learning and enrichment that should be more accessible to everyone. Unfortunately, most of us have to play along until better alternatives surface.

Recounting the best moments I’ve had in university, they seem unconventionally conventional:

1. Exploring my own passions through writing a thesis; reaching out to amazing professors (Dr. Staley, Dr. Cohen, and Amanda) for help and advice.

2. Hanging out, cooking, and laughing with friends. Often the conversations got so good that we joked about starting a podcast together. Being the witness to each other’s growth.

3. Spending Friday sessions of ENR 3470 with Greg and other students on the oval sitting under the trees. Never felt more comfortable (not just in a classroom setting but in all settings) expressing my ideas and listening to other people share theirs.

4. Fulfilling internships & work in and outside of school pushed me to grow more than I can ever imagine.

5. Starting a book circle with Dr. Staley and friends. Learning for the sake of learning.

6. Introducing my friends to the amazing professors I’ve befriended. Getting brunch and coffee with them, too. :)

7. Feeling supported and encouraged to explore ideas related to higher-ed reforms (i.e. organizing the TEDx event) that are sometimes frowned upon in school.

8. Even the stress was never a big deal because I had such an amazing friend group.

9. … This list can’t even capture 1% of it!!

After much contemplation, I still believe grad school is good for me and that it is what I want. However, if I were to make the most out of it, I would need to go above and beyond just as I did in undergrad, if not more. It’s not the university that gifted me those wonderful opportunities and memories but my tirelessly searching for them, guided by curiosity and other people’s generosity. I’ve realized that I need to be way more grounded in reality for what I wish to research. I don’t ever want to become a lofty academic who is detached from the real world. When I say “the real world,” I suspect even though I mean it as all-inclusive, I really am only talking about the life I am familiar with. Am I able to understand anything beyond that? (Maybe I’ll bore you with another email detailing all my nerdy research interests in the future. 🤪)

An exciting project has been ruminating for quite a while… I am finally confident enough to soft-reveal it to a close group of friends because the preparation work feels real and close –– while taking an independent study course with Dr. Staley on the construct of knowledge and learning, Riya and I had an idea to create an education NGO (hopefully launching it before the end of this year) to help more students with what has helped us navigate higher-ed, which can be so restricting for those with “too” many passions. It is built on the foundations of polymathic learning and imbued with the mindset of striving for a happy and fulfilling life beyond zero-sum competition. With the generous support and guidance from mentors, project funding resources, and an empowering community, the NGO wants to help small cohorts of students learn how they can make real-world impacts on issues they care about with tangible skills. (Ambiguous business talk, I know. I promise the final launch will deliver a much more solid picture! Stay tuned. 😉 The TEDx event in February this year was an important milestone for the genesis of this NGO idea. I don’t know when the video will be published, but you can read my introduction script here.)

Moving is so hard. No matter how much I tell myself that moving means embracing better opportunities, I am walking away from the good life that I already have, a home I’ve built with all the people I love in it. In fact, it’s so good that sometimes I don’t know how I could ever ask for more.

On August 1st, the Monday before my move, Greg invited me over for brunch with him and Liam. We spent a beautiful morning and afternoon together. Many parts of the conversation moved my heart to tears. Lying in bed that night, I cried thinking that sometimes life is so beautiful that I don’t know what to do with it –– the good, the not-as-good, everything. If you are reading this, thank you for being in my life, being a dear friend, and showing me how to love. Thank you.

With love,
Erica