Thinking about little dreams at the turn of the year...
and a little definition of the "boyish eyes" ;)
This is the first New Year’s Eve I’m spending alone.
Standing by the Thames, I watch as people walk on and off the dock and the bridge, merging into rivers of crowds. Laughters, intoxicated conversations, shouts –– so much anticipation and impatience for the vanishing hours. There’s something stirring about the conceptual demarcation of a page turned, a chapter tossed behind. The city is boiling with movement on this restless night. Yet there’s also so much sameness –– every second is just one unit away from the previous second. To think that tectonic, monumental changes can accrue in such subdued passing; to think that we have to age! Since everything is inevitable, why not make it ceremonial? 3, 2, 1…
After another trip around the sun, am I closer to becoming the person I dreamt of growing into? In a world where many days feel like a detour away from things I care about, I fear that I might forget about the little dreams I once held so dear as a child. Some of my earliest aspirations merely feel like doodles on a foggy window now.
Every day, I self-analyze and absorb inspiration from role models around me to build the archetypes of my “ideals.” Sometimes, I look at the adults and wonder how they stopped fighting. Since when did they start taking the sourdough of life and stop baking bread with it? I also catch myself selectively letting go of my ambitions periodically as I weigh the tradeoffs.
But we are not the only factor in the equation of dreams and fulfillment and change. So many externalities catalyze all of this. Often, it’s not our growth and changes that lead to the change or abandonment of ambitions –– we simply become more perceptive and aware of reality. Perhaps some dreams are not dreams after all, and they are meant to shatter with knowledge –– the corruption within the United Nations, the dark side of Wall Street money, and the inefficient NGOs. The role models I used to put on a pedestal are just people with their own restraints and flaws. I can see that more clearly now. It’s not the death of our dreams but the death of ideals that is the true tragedy of life. The world only becomes more complex and indescribable as we learn more about it. But in no way is this a justification for the loss of hope and grit. So many of us strive on despite all of this. It’s a blessing to be able to hold onto an ideal, a compass, and the pure drive to improve without cynicism.
Inspired by a conversation once upon a time with a friend (@Liam!), I present to you my coined concept of “boyish eyes.”
Boyish eyes (n.) Eyes that belong to a person who holds onto the purest pursuit for the unknown and with an unapologetic generosity to forgive no matter how they’ve been squared by life. Most noticeable during a scintillating conversation sitting outside a coffee shop surrounded by plants on a day with sunlight and spring pollen spilling from all directions. Also can be found when one makes an honest mistake and gives you a cheeky smile that makes you wanna fall in love (of course you can fall in love with a friendship!). This term is gender-neutral.
And my friend, if you are reading this, you have those boyish eyes. :) (A prerequisite for reading my newsletter. 😉)
Happy New Year!
Love,
Erica
“To love someone long-term is to attend a thousand funerals of the people they used to be.”
— Heidi Priebe
Thank you, Phoebe, for showing me this quote :)